Wednesday, May 16, 2012

One Thing to Improve (Perfect Imperfection)

Post 3 for Diabetes Blog Week

Now this is a topic I could write a novel about. What can't I improve on?! But I must stop myself and think for a second. My last A1C was 6.3. I eat healthier than anyone I know. I've recently taken up yoga and distance running. I bend over backwards for this disease. So why so many complaints about myself?

Oh, I know why.

I am way too hard on myself. If I test and find my BS is over 130, I can feel my mood drop instantly. If it's over  200, well, my nights ruined. If I'm having trouble counting carbs or getting my sugar levels down, you better not even try to talk to me because I will snap at you (only because yelling at myself might give people the wrong impression). The first time my A1C came back as being over 6, I was upset about it for days.

The guilt I inflict on myself, that's the worse. If I go down to my parent's for the weekend and indulge in some delicious meals and a little desert, I have to spend the whole next week eating like a bird just to punish myself. I could barely bring myself to eat a donut on Donut Day (what I have coined the anniversary of my diagnosis and one of the few times out of the year that I let myself indulge) this year because I had been doing so well with everything and didn't want to chance ruining it.

I am a stubborn perfectionist. I am also a passionate foodie, a party animal, and a free spirit. There is bound to be a little internal conflict.

I have been working on it, though. Now I can shoot up and shrug off an unexpected high in a matter of minutes (a matter of 30 to 60 minutes) while a year ago it would have been impossible to talk to me for the rest of the day. But starting now, as today's blog prompt instructs, I will work at improving on this even harder. I will stop beating myself up for things that are impossible to control. I will stop expecting myself to be a perfect diabetic. I will be cut myself some slack, ease up, and chill out. And if I am not perfectly happy with myself at all times, then I will just yell and scream at myself until I am.

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